She Ain't No Lady
by HannaHeyes
Summary: Heyes has a run-in with a saloon girl...


Here I sit...absolutely humiliated. I can't believe that happened. I can't even hardly look at Kid. He keeps smiling at me like he's about to bust out laughing any minute. I've nursed this same drink for about an hour thinking about it. I can't get it off my mind. It just keeps replaying itself...

ooooooooooasjooooooooooo

The Kid and I arrived late one March evening at Stoney Gulch. We were tired, dirty, and thirsty. We had to once again leave a hotel in the last town in the middle of the night. Having never been to Stoney Gulch, we checked to see who the sheriff was before we bothered to stable the horses. Thankfully, we'd never heard of him before. We both sighed with relief. Kid took the horses to the livery stable while I got us a room at the only hotel in town. It wasn't the best establishment we'd ever seen, but it wasn't the worst either. We settled in, each took a bath, and headed over to the saloon.

As soon as we walked in, I noticed her. She was sashaying around serving drinks. Her blue dress showed her every curve. She glanced at me as we made our way to the bar. I touched my hat and nodded at her. We ordered us up some drinks and surveyed the room. There were two poker games going on. As we watched, a couple of chairs opened up, so we started towards the table. I looked up and noticed her eyes following me. I told Kid to go on without me. He started to protest, but then saw why. "Go on", he smiled.

I made my way through the sea of tables and cowboys over to her. "Hello handsome", she purred when I reached her.

She was even more beautiful close up. Sparkling hazel eyes, long brown hair curled at the ends. "Hello", I said. "Would you like a drink?"

Her eyes looked me up and down. After the scrutinization, she fluttered her eyelids at me. "No thanks", she replied, "but I would like to meet you upstairs."

'Wow' I thought. 'She's just extremely blunt and straightforward. I thought about it for a split second and blurted out "Okay." 'Okay?...that's the best you can do', I muttered to myself.

I followed her upstairs. On the way, I looked down to see Kid looking back at me. He smiled and touched his hat to me in a silent salute. I rolled my eyes at him.

We went into a room that was definitely a lady's. The room was drowning in all things pink. Oh well. I didn't mind. I didn't go up there to admire the decorations. She seductively took a feather boa from around her neck and threw it around my waist. Then she pulled me close to her and gave me a kiss. I could talk forever about those voluptuous lips, but I digress. She then grabbed my jacket and almost literally threw me on the bed. She was definitely stronger than she looked. I pulled my jacket off and she climbed up behind me where I sat. She reached around with one hand and started fiddling with my shirt buttons.

What I didn't see, was her other hand reach down the front of her dress and retrieve the knife she had hidden there. Her hand that had been fumbling with my buttons grabbed my shirt while the other hand came around and positioned the knife on my throat. Her next words were, "Your money or your life."

I gave a little laugh and started to turn, but the knife dug deeper into my throat, not enough to bring blood, but enough to let me know she was serious. 'I can't believe this', I though. 'I'm getting held up by a saloon girl.'

She told me to empty my pockets, then to clean out my jacket while she held the knife on me. She was literally hanging on my back. I tried talking to her. "Now listen, what's the sheriff going to think about this? You can't just rob every man you bring up here. You don't want to do this. It'll hurt business for you." She just laughed at me.

"Oh honey", she started. "I don't have to worry about that. The sheriff's my brother. And besides, what man is gonna admit to being robbed by a woman."

For once, I had nothing to say. What was I going to do? I could easily have overpowered her, but I can't hit a lady. Besides, I only had two dollars on me. Kid had the rest of what we had. I didn't want my throat slit over two dollars.

She took the money. "This all you got?! Oh well, it'll have to do. Thanks sweetie." She kissed my cheek as she removed the knife from my throat. I glared at her as I put my jacket back on and left her sitting on the bed laughing. Slamming the door, I marched back downstairs with a scowl on my face. I went straight past the bar and walked outside.

Kid had watched me that whole time and politely left the poker game to follow me outside. I was pacing the boardwalk outraged. Kid asked me what was wrong. After a few more paces to cool down, I told him what had happened. He looked at me wide-eyed when I finished. Then a smile crept onto his lips. And then...he burst out laughing. "YOU got held up by a WOMAN?!" he exclaimed when he caught his breath. I gave him a death look. He just laughed harder.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY THADDEUS!" I growled at him. I was seething with anger. I couldn't let her get away with this. It wasn't about the two dollars I'd lost. It was about dignity and pride.

That night, Kid went on the hotel while I sat in the shadows beside the saloon. I wanted to find out where she lived. A little after midnight, she finally emerged from the saloon and started across town. I followed at a safe distance. She arrived at a little house on the edge of town. When she had went in, I crept up to the window and looked in. Apparently, she lived with her brother because the sheriff was in there. She's splitting money with him. Well, there goes THAT plan. I hightailed it out of there and went back to join Kid in our room.

ooooooooooooooasjoooooooooooooo

And so, here I sit, holding a shot of whiskey that Kid pulled from his saddlebags, humiliated and trying to think of a plan to teach that devil woman a lesson.

"Will you quit staring at me?!" I am irritated.

"Can't help it. What did she do again?"

"You know darn well what she did! I ain't telling that story over!"

"But you tell stories so well. C'mon. I need a bedtime story."

"Kid, if you don't shut up, I'm going to flatten you."

I hear him chuckle softly as he gets ready for bed. I get up and start to pace. It seems to help me think at times. I have been known to do it just to annoy the Kid. Tonight was one of those times.

"Aw Heyes, you ain't gonna pace all night are you. You'll drive me crazy."

I smile. Downing the last of the whiskey, I pace some more. I look over to see Kid holding his thin pillow over his head.

Finally, I decide to lay down. I know I won't be able to sleep. About halfway through the night, I decide on a course of action. It's not a very elaborate plan, but it will suffice. Sometimes the simplest plan is the most effective. I get up and start searching my saddlebag. Ah! There it is! The deputy's badge I had kept from that time in Junction City. You never know when you might need a certain item. I wake Kid up. He ain't happy about it.

"WHAT do you want Heyes?! ALWAYS in the middle of the night..."

"Here's what we're going to do tomorrow..."

oooooooooooasjoooooooooo

The next evening, Kid goes into the saloon alone. I wait just outside to give him time to get 'Miss Evil's' attention. Five minutes later, I slip quietly inside. Kid has her over at a corner table, her back to the entrance. Unseen, I creep upstairs to a certain room and wait. Ten minutes pass, then I hear someone coming. I hide as the door opens. In walks Kid with her behind him. He twirls her around, positioning her back to me. She pulls Kid close to her, and starts to remove his jacket. That's when I step out and cock my gun. She turns around, clearly surprised. She smiles when she realizes who I am.

"Well howdy honey! Welcome back!"

"I don't think you'll be so happy when you find out why I'm here." I flash the badge quickly at her, then put it back in my jacket pocket. "I'm Marshal Newkirk and this", I point to Kid, "is Marshal Higginbottom." We've been watching you and your brother for some time now and last night just confirmed our suspicions of the corruption that goes on here. We know how you rob your 'clients' and share the money with your brother."

Her smile fades quickly. "Please! Don't arrest me! I'm sorry! And so is my brother! PLEASE don't send us to prison! I'll do anything!"

I smugly smile at her. "Well now, I don't know. You've robbed an awful lot of men. And we can't leave a corrupt man in such a noble office."

"PLEASE, please! We won't make it in prison. We'll never see each other again. Please, I'll do anything."

"I don't know. What do you think Higginbottom?"

"I know a lot of men would like to see her behind bars..."

"Yeah, they would at that." I pause and cause her to squirm. Tears are forming in her eyes."But, I just don't know if I could send such a pretty girl to prison." I pace a little as hope springs to her face. "Alright. I won't arrest you. BUT...you have got to give me a solemn oath to quit your thieving and your brother has to resign as sheriff."

She answers hurriedly. "Yes, yes, I will, and he will. I give you my word. I promise."

"Alright then. But just know, we'll be watching and if we see this happening again, we WILL arrest you and you'll never see the light of day again. You may not see us, but we WILL be watching."

"Okay, okay! Thank you, thank you!"

I walk to the door. Kid turns to follow me. I look back at her. She's sitting wide-eyed on the bed, clearly shaken up. We leave the room and march back down the stairs like we own the place. Leaving the saloon, we go and get our horses from the livery. I want to leave town before she talks to her brother the sheriff.

oooooooooooasjooooooooo

We're riding out of town as Kid turns in his saddle.

"You sure put the fear of God into her Heyes. Don't you think you mighta been too rough on her?"

"No I don't. We just saved her life."

"And how do you figure that?"

"Well, we started out as small time thieves and look at us now. This ain't no life for a lady."

"So you did it out of the goodness of your heart?" I can practically see the sarcasm drip from Kid's lips.

"No. I did it to heal my injured pride!" I laugh and we ride off.


End file.
